A Fox in my Brain

by M. T. Bennett

Content warning for suicidal ideation

Physical illnesses can often be obvious. It is hard to hide a broken arm, an open wound, jaundice, a tumor, and more. Because of this they are easily recognized by the public and healthcare providers. Mental illnesses, on the other hand, can be very difficult to recognize and diagnose. In her book, A Fox in my Brain, Lou Lubie writes and illustrates about this very thing in her journey with cyclothymia.

Her journey to diagnosis is a harsh critique of mental healthcare. Therapy is very important and immensely helpful to countless people. Therapy is good, but not all therapists are. There are A LOT of things wrong with how we approach patients, and all of this is laid bare by the seven mental health providers who Lou sees. A psychiatrist tells her “Everyone has mood swings” (page 26) and so she can’t be bipolar. The psychiatrist refers her to a therapist who after one session informs her the psychiatrist was wrong and she IS bipolar which just causes more confusion for Lou.

One therapist seems more interested in Lou’s method of payment than the therapy, another therapist sees her for a year but doesn’t understand the issues. A generalist tells her she is too young to be depressed and disregards everything she says. Another says she has a mood disorder and Lou finally feels like there is some progress. Unfortunately, the wait time for an appointment with a psychiatrist was long, and during the extended waiting period Lou became depressed and went to a hospital for suicidal ideation. Her condition is unseen and difficult for others to grasp and understand.

Eventually Lou finds her diagnosis while mindlessly scrolling the internet. Looking up some resources she learns about cyclothymia and suddenly, realizes what has been afflicting her for so many years. Finally, she has a name for this thing that has caused her such difficulty.

In folklore, names often have power. You shouldn’t tell your true name to another because then that person would have power over you. A classic example of this is Rumpelstiltskin, who is a magical gnome that loses all his power when someone guesses his name correctly. This is exactly what happens when Lou finally realizes the name of her condition. This terrifying shadow that rules her life is nothing more than a cute little fox inside her brain.

The book then becomes a very approachable and informative depiction of the details of cyclothymia. It explains what the disease is, how it works, statistics in the normal population, and more. In a fun a colorful way, with energetic drawings it teaches the differences between cyclothymia and other bipolar disorders.

With a name for the condition and a new understanding of the disorder Lou shows us how she manages and controls her life. The good, the bad, and the in-between parts of her life. How it affects her in every aspect of her life, personally, professionally, in her relationships, and more. Lou is able to bring understanding and destigmatize the things she deals with.

This is a really great book for someone seeking to learn more about mood disorders in a fun and approachable way. Especially someone affected by cyclothymia. This book is also important for mental health providers to read. Not only to help them learn more about this disorder but also to learn about how to be a better provider and help their patients.

Sometimes when people learn about a mental health disorder, they end up defining themself with it. “I AM depressed”, “I AM ADHD,” etc. However, Lou realizes that her cyclothymia is just a part of her. It isn’t her brain, it is just a fox in her brain, something that she understands and can now manage and live with. It takes allowances, changes, and adaptations, but she learns how to be herself with her condition. Her story is a great example to anyone struggling to understand their mental health and how to live with difficulties.

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M.T. Bennett has a degree in medical science and works in public health. He enjoys writing and spending time with his wife and three sons. Bennett is the author of “Dark and Bright: Poetry and Prose.” His poetry and articles have appeared in Intuition, Chiasm, Poet’s Choice, HEAL, America Media, In-Training, and KevinMD. Twitter handle: @BennettEmpty