I Do I Don’t – How to Build a Better Marriage

by Norma B

In my work as a behavioral health consultant, I often tell my patients that being in relationship is one of the hardest things in the world. And it doesn’t matter whether that relationship is between friends, family, or two consenting adults, something that should be so simple, aka giving and receiving love, can become horribly complicated in the mind of any human being. In her graphic novel, I Do I Don’t: How to Build a Better Marriage, licensed therapist Chandrama Anderson, MA, LMFT, and cartoonist Nur Jaffar G. Latip, explore a young married couple’s first foray into therapy.

Ben and Grace married young and come from different cultural backgrounds. Like most couples, their relationship began in a whirlwind of laughter and love, but overtime, the rose-colored glasses faded, and the struggles of sharing a life together emerged. The daily issues they tackle are recognizable: stonewalling, passive aggressive comments, and unexpected explosions of anger.

Anderson and Latnip do a good job of showing how not only daily stressors affect the couple, but also how they can’t escape the years of behavioral conditioning caused by their families. For example, in one session Jo gently challenges the couple to express their feelings, but the couple quickly becomes defensive. Out loud, Grace snips at Ben voicing, “He never wants to know how I feel either,” but her mind is not filled with the present conflict, but of her parents who cut into each other and respond to Grace’s statement with angry expressions. In Grace’s mind her mother, depicted in purple, spits out, “Your father never did;” to which Grace’s mind’s father (featured in blue) bites back with a scowl and a, “Why would I?” (82). Anderson and Latip successfully plant visual seeds with these speech bubbles and explain how our families shape our patterns of handling conflict and praise.

Their innermost thoughts wrestle with these patterns as they navigate couple’s counseling with their skilled therapist, Jo. Jo guides the couple to learn more about their stress responses and how the past influences are carried into their relationship and performed within it, unconsciously at times. Through Jo, the graphic novel offers some easy-to-use tools for improving communication with a romantic partner, such as emotional traffic lights, personal weather reports, feelings lists and attachment quizzes.

Overall, Anderson and Latip provide a decent snapshot into the common triggers and emotional conflicts that occur within romantic relationships and give solid tools to help improve communication which can help couples take steps towards healing.

Norma B.is a licensed professional counselor and currently works with children and their families at a pediatric clinic as a behavioral health consultant. She has a deep respect for children and their mental health and enjoys writing and illustrating bilingual picture books and graphic novels. She lives in Austin, TX with her three guinea pigs: Leche, Canela, and Café.