Until I Love Myself – The Journey of a Nonbinary Manga Artist – Vol 1

by Soph Myers-Kelley

When I chose to read this book, I expected a journey of self-love, where the protagonist/author (Poppy Pesuyama) learns to love themselves despite gender incongruence between their body and their mind/spirit. Perhaps a therapist and their conversations together would be involved. It would be quite healing and lovely, in my opinion.

What I actually experienced reading part 1 of Until I Love Myself was much darker. Yes, Pesuyama takes us on a journey to explore what they felt like, from a young age, as a gender non-conforming person. Growing up in Japan and growing up assigned female at birth (AFAB), Pesuyama is regularly shoved into societal boxes that they frankly do not fit in. But similarly, or even more spotlit, is their terrible experience as a manga artist who was sexually harassed by their boss, and the harassment they and other AFAB school kids experienced from the boys in their class. Pesuyama’s treatment by their boss is so terrible, that their manga editor arranges for a meeting with a lawyer to consider whether a legal case would be feasible. While Pesuyama does not pursue a case, learning that their case is currently viable (they could win) was conflicting and affirming for them (as it would not have been viable at the time of the sexual harassment).

As the reader, we get an in-depth look at how Pesuyama’s sexual harassment experiences lead directly to PTSD, flashbacks, purging of food, and self-harm. Their gender dysphoria appears to also get worse because of the sexual harassment. Given the society they grew up in, they found it all too easy to blame themselves for their bosses’ behavior. Because they were born female, they regularly dealt with negative internal thinking about how other people’s inappropriate behavior was justified, and if only they hadn’t been born female, maybe this wouldn’t have happened in the first place.

Pesuyama shows us childhood friendships and how they felt betrayed when one treated them like an objectified woman, rather than a friend. However, they also share another beautiful friendship filled with love, the primary thing keeping them in school during dark times.

The author does not try to sugarcoat the ramifications of sexual harassment, how it impacted their career, and the follow-up conversation they have with their former boss. Pesuyama manga is beautiful and evocative of emotion, and I can’t wait to read the second volume.

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Soph Myers-Kelley (they/him) is a medical librarian, herbalist, and activist living in North Carolina. They can be contacted at https://www.smyerskelley.com/ and followed at https://www.instagram.com/sophmyerskelley/